Yatsufusa 2025-05-16 08:23:14

I cannot give you a "definitive answer", but I know a lot about Japan. I'll space my statements out a little, so they are easier to process.

Let me start by saying: They might not 'have' Instagram accounts. I don't have one either. Because Instagram is a site with a ton of fundamental issues...

'From how you describe the situation', you were basically strangers. Why would anyone trade contact info with a stranger?

Your letter also makes you sound overly dramatic, pretty entitled and... the way you phrased it, it sounded as if, from your own perspective, you were offering them some kind of "favor" by exchanging contact info...

Japanese school/university life is _brutal_! I don't know about Australian schools, but most European schools (including UK) and US schools are a _joke_, compared to what they go though. And those who "underperform" too much under the "expected results" will essentially end up as replaceable office drones - which most schools line their pupils up to become anyway. The social pressure from peers and parents can not be underestimated either. Suicide rates at that age are _through_the_roof_...

So yeah: I can imagine that the students who read your letter either were genuinely "upset" or saw an opportunity to escape that environment for a few hours. I do not know them, so I cannot tell you 'exactly' what went down.

The best advice I could give you in this regard would be to send a letter with a formal, neutral greeting, "I am sorry that my last letter has upset you and assure you that there will be no further contact from me." and a "Sincerely, [YourNameHere]". That way they at least have no need to feeling anxious about any future correspondence.
There are probably even better ways to phrase this, but unless you can talk to a genuine Japanese person to convey what I just said 'in Japanese', that "one-liner" letter is probably your best option. (Online translation would not do. There's more to a language than just using the right words.)

Template88 2025-05-16 08:44:27

That was a really messed up story man. I hope that didnt actually happen. If youve got you know something going on up there telling people youre gonna kill yourself isnt going to make anyone want to have anything to do with you lol. Consider not telling people youll kill yourself when apologizing for acting bizarre.

ShangXian 2025-05-16 14:07:17

(long comment part 1)

Yatsufusa already covered many important aspects on why this interaction ended the way it ended and knows a lot more about Japan than me, but I would like to add my two cents to the situation. From what I could gather from this blog and the letter your wrote, I can see that cultural nuances played a major role. In my linguistic studies a thing we learned about cultures is the concept of high-context and low-context culture.

In anthropology, high-context culture and low-context culture are ends of a continuum of how explicit the messages exchanged in a culture are and how important the context is in communication. Some countries with high context cultures include China, Thailand, Japan, Korea, Brazil, Spain, Argentina, and Saudi Arabia. But of course a country is never high-context or low-context in absolute terms. Instead, every culture uses a mix of explicit & implicit communication to different degrees, and there are also exceptions within cultures. For example India is a low-context culture with some high-context elements, and Japan has some slight low-context elements compared to other surrounding East Asian cultures.

High-context cultures often do not explicitly state their message in words; instead much of their information is embedded in the context (for example in a study between English-speaking people and Japanese people, Japanese people relied much more on eyes, eye movement compared to English-speaking people who focused more on mouth and what came from it). This context includes the shared history, the relationships, and the cultural norms/values shared by the individuals communicating. High-context cultures prioritize the group over the individual, and they value collectivism (Hofstede, 1984). Since individual communication is ultimately founded upon the shared values of the group, it is understandable why the sense of community is emphasized.

Considering the direct nature of your message, this might have been perceived as a not correct way to interact with someone that isn't in your in-group, and this brings to the fore a key element I think might have played an important role: uchi-soto.

Uchi–soto is the distinction between in-groups (uchi, "inside") and out-groups (soto, "outside"). This distinction between groups is a fundamental part of Japanese social custom and sociolinguistics. This reflects language too. There are a few types of way to talk in Japanese; casual Japanese and keigo.

Keigo is a polite way of talking and it is very important if you’re going to use your Japanese in business environment. You cannot use casual language or you will be considered as rude. But Keigo also divided into a few types. They are the standard polite type, humble language, and honorific language. Even if you use Keigo in business situation, if you use the wrong type, you will also be considered as rude. The idea of Japanese is to treat “outsider” with a very high respect and not to show their true feeling to them (and here we enter the complex territory of tatemae and honne). While it is okay to treat “insider” casually and to be honest to tell what they really want. So don’t be worried, treated as “outsider“, they will give you a lot of respect instead of being ignored.

A foreigner or traveler will always be treated as soto by Japanese and it’s very hard to penetrate into the uchi group (not impossible but hard, yes). A family member, a close friend, your romantic partner (after you have developed a deep relationship) is uchi, but a foreigner is soto and you are soto to this Japanese person.

One of the complexities of the uchi–soto relationship lies in the fact that groups are not static; they may overlap and change over time and according to situation. For example the business situation is a fine example of the complexity of this system. Within your division, any people below the boss will be uchi while the boss and other superior member is soto. So you may talk casually or express your opinion freely with co-worker but you will need to be more respectful to the boss. But when talking with people from another office, the situation has changed, now all people in your company would be uchi while people from other office is soto. So when you’re talking with other people from other company, it’s preferred to drop the honorific and use the humble way of talk even when you’re talking about your boss since he is now considered a part of the company “family” in this situation.

All this situation is also linked to a crucial concept of Japanese culture: Ba no Kuuki wo Yomu. It literally means “reading air”, semantically speaking is the ability to read a situation without words. Unlike the individualistic and expressive cultures in Western countries, people in Japan are expected to think collectively, understand situations without need for explanation and behave based on their position accordingly. If you do not “read air” in business, you are not only unable to become a successful business person, but you will also find it hard to function as an employee in an organization.

ShangXian 2025-05-16 14:20:44

(second part of my long comment, sorry^^')

Collective team work in rice farming and the islands’ geographical location may have developed “Ba no Kuuki wo Yomu” culture in Japan. The ability of “Sensing someone’s feelings” generates thoughtfulness in Japanese culture and “understanding the situation without words” can contribute to build strong organizations in business.

You should be situationally aware and attentive to not only your own thoughts and feelings but also of the people around you (the Japanese students in your case) — all without the need of expressing them aloud.

For example back in 2019 a businessman in Kyoto met a potential client. The client complimented his watch, so the businessman started explaining the watch’s features. It took him a while to realise that the client didn’t care much about the watch, but more of the time it showed — he wanted the businessman to look at his watch to see the time and wrap up the conversation.

fun fact: someone who’s not able to catch the real meaning of other people’s words is often called KY, an abbreviation of “kuki yomenai” to mean “one who can’t read the air”. If you’re unable to understand the environment you’re in, it can cost you — whether it’s ruining a relationship or blowing a huge business deal. And sadly this is what happened between you and this person.

There’s no such thing as a direct answer in Japan. You don’t really get a straight-up “no” from anyone, whether it’s a casual or business setting — the politeness within the culture forbids them to. A “maybe” or “it’s possible” is used instead. It would be interesting to see how the person declined your offer to have a better understanding but considering all these things I've mentioned, I understand the person's reaction, while sadly your e-mail worsened things even more because the person perceived all of this rude according to their socio-cultural background.

Plus I feel to give you an advice that applies to everyone regardless of country of origin: don't try to emotionally guilt trip people you don't even know with delicate topics such as suicide. It may be perceived as creepy, weird, and I personally find it disrespectful towards all people who sadly decided to end their lives. I've had direct experience in my family and I prefer this topic not to be treated lightly as way to make others feel pity of you for a relationship. I totally agree with Template88 too.

I wish you all the best and I hope this experience taught you a lot. Have a serene day/evening.

shadowfals 2025-05-22 10:50:40

Anyone asked to exchange social media account info has a right to say no. That be for any reason. I'm going to repeat this—

Anyone asked to exchange social media account info has a right to say no.

The correct way to respond to respond to the answer is to accept it and move on.

A wrong way to respond is to send an intensely personal letter that implies the normal interaction that happened between you two might be why you hurt yourself. That's not even remotely okay. The exchange student is not to blame for your extremely low feelings of self esteem.

You likely felt the rejection was worse than it was because that's what happens when we aren't feeling good; social responses are interpreted as much worse than they would have been when feeling fine. Please seek further help with actual professionals.

Asking for a physical or dietary evaluation can help, too. If you don't already know: inflammation seriously messes with brain chemistry! Many teens are now sick and injured from repeat infections that badly affect how bodily systems function. Even asymptomatic infections cause damage.

Anyhow, figuring out how to let minor issues go and to rest can be a lifesaver.

I'm sure you are dealing with a lot. For a while, you might need to give the exchange student and host family space so they can feel comfortable talking to people again. And so you do, too.